The Hostile Publishing War, Cats and Cookies

 

So, I’ve written this blog post most likely two-dozen times in the last month or so and each time I find myself lamenting over whether it’s too harsh or the total opposite—too nice.  So I have decided to just post it in its latest revision and if it hurts feelings or pisses people off, so be it. All of you should know me well enough by now to know I don’t pull punches but always do try to throw them with some level of respect and honor. But they are punches nonetheless.

 

The past few months we have been in some sort of weird war in the literary world. A once (in my mind anyway) giving, caring and supportive indie world has become just the opposite. I have sat by and watched in dismay and disgust as more and more talented authors, no matter the level or reputation, rip each other apart. Who is one author over another to put down, malign or judge another author? It’s sickening to see some do negative, harmful and shattering reviews in order to taint the readership of another author. Are we, as a community, honestly fighting over a $.99 - $9.99 sale? Are we really scared that a reader may buy this book over that book because we, under a guise of reader or a profile created just to harm, posted negativity about a work or an author?

Hate to tell you this kiddies, but readers are starting to put little to no value in reviews. And that is truly the sad part in all this. The ones who are the true victims in this “hostile” environment are the readers.  And even more disheartening?

Our books.

ASSHOLE DISCLAIMER HERE: I don’t care if you write a novella, a short, an erotica or a heartfelt tell-all. I could give one breath of air if you wrote smut, or humor, paranormal or sci-fi. The only thing I have EVER stated (and I dare anyone to present evidence to the contrary) is that WHATEVER it is—make sure it’s well-written (edited and done the best it can be). Don’t toss anything out there that isn’t worthy of a reader to buy or spend the time reading. Be it for free or a million dollars. The READERS and our BOOKS deserve the best we have to offer. There—let’s stop with the mentality of I am against indies. I’m not. Never have been.

I’m just against someone not doing their best. AND NO ONE can judge someone’s best effort other than the person who has attempted it or a reader (guess what? I’m a reader too—SURPRISE!!).  I personally foresee in the very near future Amazon and Goodreads as well as other review text-field retailers changing their system to a STAR system only—Amazon is already heading that way with removing gift-card exchange reviews and non-verified purchase reviews being discussed.  As for those who wish to use the venue in a mean, spiteful manner until it all changes….

Shut up. Seriously. Talking trash makes you the same (sorry, my southern came out—tucks it away).

I am SO tired of seeing good people reduce themselves to being venomous and low. I am also sick of getting told about Authors who scream for attention by saying they were threatened, by crying wolf of viciousness and sobbing when someone was mean to them. Trust me, there’s enough meanness in life without creating it for attention. I am also just as weary of those that pimp out their books so desperately as if they are begging.  

Don’t beg. Boast. Crow. Sing and cheer about your book. But fellow authors—do so in a proud way. I know it’s called pimping—but even hookers have pride on which corner they stand. I admire them for that (they will CUT YOU J). But just like we become jaded to those we see on the street where we don’t even see them, readers become jaded to your pimping when it become spam.

And gratitude and thanks to all the good, honorable and gracious authors out there. You can stop reading here, but hey, why not read all the way?…Totally up to you. Just keep doing what you’re doing. I got your  back. See you at the cookies (Trust me, their coming).

But back to the current state of affairs (what can I say—I tripped over a soap box on the way back to the topic. Those pesky things are sneaky)-

I really wish the mission of the indie world would go back to being a helpful, encouraging, pure one.  I do my best to be respectful and honorable. I purposely, albeit with remorse, avoid my newsfeed. Which means I also miss the good news—new book releases, a new contract, someone getting a fabulous review. It’s a shame, but I see more negative than good and my personal world is just hard enough to deal with in reality than to allow all that negativity in.

I have SO much respect for the authors out there. The ones that are brave enough to present the reading world with something they have created. If you have never published a book or story—indie or traditional—it is the HARDEST thing for a creative person to do. It involves fear, excitement, stress and jubilation. Even if just one person read your work—it’s validation that someone read…

YOUR WORDS. YOUR WORLD. YOUR CHARACTERS. YOUR INNER VOICES.  YOU DID IT!

And that? Is so worth it. It really is. And if more than one read it? And liked it? 100x fold in joy. It’s a endorphin, adrenalin fueled thrill like none other.

SIMPLE FACT: A reader is a reader. Say it with me people-

A READER IS A READER

And with that being the basic fact of it, there is more than enough room for them to read all of our works. They may only put it in the ever growing TBR pile (thanks e-readers for making that the norm….insert some sideways sarcasm here) but regardless—something about your book intrigued them. The blurb, the cover, the character. SOMETHING…

So since readers are just that…readers, don’t we all think it’s time to STOP trying to make them read one title over someone else’s through malicious ways?  To put a halt in trying to harm another author via social media and reviews so we can somehow restore some pride and respect in the indie world? So that readers can get some much deserved relief from the petty war that has blown out of proportion by bitterness, jealously and greed? Trust me—they are just as tired, if not more, than we are. They just want to read. Let them decide what. It’s up to us to just offer for them to choose. Simple…

If you are REALLY that desperate to prevent another author from making their sale, no matter what YOU might think of the work, we’ll just start a “Desperate I’ve Lost My Self-Respect Author” fund and dish out some money so that everyone reaps the reward. The sale is made and you have an extra $.99 in your “learn to be nice to others” fund. We’ll use Google forms for sign ups (I just love those things...don’t you?).

SOME WISDOM: Look—I’ve been in the writing world for YEARS…longer than some of you have been alive (shut up, I am not that old) and I can tell you it has always been a tough world. One full of negative reviews.

 Some people just don’t drink THAT cup of tea AT ALL and others just can’t be made happy. It’s why some have cats. Cat’s don’t care, dogs do (Dog person myself…shrugs). Little to no sales beyond grandmom and family as well as just not understanding why your book is not on the very top of the New York Times or USA Today or the Wall Street Journal best sellers list (I’m sorry,  but I find that last one rather amusing…). All of those things are just the nature of the business.

But once again—back to the topic at hand.

Social media has given so many weapons to those who never went through safety with sharp, pointy things class or even watched a cheesy video on how not to do harm. It’s dissipated moral and ethic filters that once used to be hard-wired into our social consciousness. Funny how it took social media to destroy that.  And quite tragic.

I have been most fortunate thus far. I have the greatest fan-base, the most supportive family and friends as well as support at DBP and its contractors that I’ve never been a focus of these attacks (now, now, that IS NOT an invite…read back up if you thought it was. There might be a pop-quiz later).

But in all honesty? I’ve tried my best to be helpful to all. Every day I get a dozen inboxes or more from fellow writers, students and other asking for advice. Do I know why? Not a single damn clue. Have I ignored a single one of them? Nope.  

Maybe it’s because they see I try and don’t rant, vent or spew. I don’t try to get pity nor do I try to beg for someone to please read my book. (It’s like the best ever!! I promise….pppfpppt) Or maybe it’s because I try to give them whatever advice I can. None of it is life-changing, but every bit of it is sincere and honest.  I also usually don’t review. Very rarely do I (face it; I write big, meaty books… I just don’t have the time) but if I do get asked to do a review or get sent a sneak, I am honest with what they took the time out to send me. If it’s bad? I’m honest—but do I toss it out there to try to harm that writer? No. I do so privately and even offer advice. And always, always, always—respect.

THE POINT:  Perhaps that is what’s missing. Too many have forgotten what respect is. It is not gained in the sales you have. It’s not merited in the way you walk the walk or talk the talk. It’s not measured in how important you or even others think you are.

It’s in how you TREAT others. It’s earned by making a positive and productive example for others to see.  It’s how when you go to bed at night or in the early glimmers of dawn after writing or (that evil word) editing—you lay your head down and know you did something good and right today. You made it through a whole day without ripping into someone—whether you thought they deserved it or not. That you made a positive difference in those last span of hours of life you were blessed to have—to yourself or to someone else.

When you think about it? Respect is the key to pretty much any social issue—if bullies respected more they would bully less. If haters respected love—they would hate less. If authors respected other authors—

This blog post wouldn’t even be needed.

Just more cats and tea. And cookies. We could all share them because we can all be friends. I like chocolate-chip myself.  

Take care of yourself and others.

-J

Floating

There is an escape in sleep.
When the mind, the sound and hustle just whispers and is gone.
When the pain releases its hold, pulls free its claws.
And you can just fall and float away.

The day pulses by and work pushes as pressure crushes.
But then the night falls, whether light or dark.
And every one of us looks forward to sleeps hark
To fall and float away.

We close our eyes behind lids and lashes.
We lets ourselves drown in quiet and dark splashes.
Dreams or nightmares both end and came to take us away.
To fall...

And float...

Away.

Author to Author- Mel Favreaux

I recently had the pleasure of talking to the wonderful author and through getting to know each other, I call a good friend- Mel Favreaux. We sat down to discuss her Sanctuary Series and I had the pleasure of reading the first book in the series--Walker's Run.

The second book in the series was recently released and I look forward to enjoying it as much as I did the first in the series. So take a read and if you haven't read Mel's books? You need to.

Before you became a writer, I’m betting you were a reader. What types of books influenced you as a kid? Did you have a favorite author that inspired you to become one yourself? Who’s your favorite now?

I was 11 the summer I visited my older sister in Virginia. She was an avid reader and took me to the library. I discovered William Sleator, a y/a sci-fi thriller author and that was all it took. By the summer’s end I was reading Stephen King’s IT, and The Stand. I didn’t stop there, I went onto Clive Barker. A wonderful eighth grade book report on Cabal sent a rather worried note home to my mother who laughed at the teacher.

You write in the paranormal romance genre—is there other genre’s you’d like to dive into?

I have also written a women’s contemporary piece, called Valor of a Woman. Readers usually send me pictures of the piles of used tissues they went through when they read it. It makes me smile. I do actually plan on writing another mainstream romance, or contemporary piece here soon. I also have a few ideas for some horror shorts.

The first book in your Sanctuary Series was Walker’s Run. Can you tell us about the rest of the books in the series? And what we can expect?

As each book comes out, you will learn more about the inhabitants of Walker’s Run. Some have left, but they always return. You get to see familiar characters from another’s point of view. With the reincarnation of the Silver Wolf, new problems arise. There will be new alliances, new faces, new loves, and a whole new world of possibilities. My favorite part is the community dynamics and how everyone fits together and their relationships with one another as friends and family.

All writers have ways of writing their manuscripts. Can you tell us what method you use? Write in order or piece it all together in the end?

First off, I am a punster. I start with a general idea and let my characters take me where they will. My stories are character driven and I just give them the outlet. I have also learned it is far easier for me to write each manuscript as separate files for each chapter. It helps me to go back and review, and it’s also easier for me to edit that way. When I am finished, I put it all together in one master file, go through two more read throughs (mainly to make sure that I put ALL the chapters in there…I’ve missed a chapter of two here and there before, LOL.)

What tips can you give to those writers who have a life beyond writing? Jobs, children, family? The non-full time writers. How do you find time to write?

I am still trying to find the delicate balance myself. I’ve been writing since a very early age. I carry a notebook with me everywhere. Though I try to refrain at the dinner table. I have two
young school aged children. I am lucky my oldest, at nine is a voracious reader already. (She’s even a beta reader for a friend who writes sci-fi YA.) Finding that balance with a full-time job and being a full-time single mom was tough. There’s lunch breaks and the hour or two of peace after I put the kids to bed in the evening. If it is something you truly want to do, you will find the time. That goes with anything.

You have a publishing contract with a MuseItUp Publishing. Are there any works of yours out there in the indie world we can dive into? And have you considered putting some indie works beyond your publisher for other types of books?

I don’t have anything available outside of my publishing home…yet. I am considering branching out with a horror series either to another house or self-publishing. It’s all still in the thought process, but I do know I want to test the waters some.

We (including myself) have all had to deal with rejection letters and the sort. How do you handle that in the publishing process? Do you consider it a challenge or a defeat?

I see it as a challenge. I was rejected for Walker’s Run back in 2008. I enlisted the help of some very gifted friends…I still wound up shelving it for a few years. Then last February, I pulled it out and did a complete and total rewrite. The story was worth it, these characters had been with me far too long to just let them sit anymore. I submitted to my pub home, I’d already published Valor of a Woman through Muse and figured it was a worth a shot. Within two days of submission I got the contract. I never look at rejection as a defeat. Yes, it took me a while to get the nerve to try again. But I knew the story was worth it and the characters were worthy. You just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. It’s not easy, nothing ever worth trying ever really is. You’ve got to have tough skin in this business.

It’s the hot topic right now, shame to say, but what is your take on the current mean-natured negativity that seems to eroding the indie world?

I…am appalled honestly. I have incredibly strong opinions. Some I vent, most I keep to myself. I have reconsidered A LOT of my connections in recent months. I try to eliminate drama in all aspects of my life. To see the blatant disrespect, bullying, and typical high school behavior coming from so-called adults is absolutely ridiculous. It’s insane! How are we to teach our children when the grown-ups who have the ability to put a stop to it, are exhibiting the exact same behavior? What does that teach them? How can we even move forward as a whole, when they can see it? This same behavior from ADULTS? It’s painful. As a community we need to band together and held one another out. The problem is too many see others as a threat or competition. No two people will ever read a single book the same way. I don’t see how anyone can view another as competition. Getting away with this inappropriate behavior is atrocious. A lot of good people have been hurt in the process.

If there was one attribute you could call your strongest, what is it? (And bet you can guess the next question…)

Strongest? Uhm…I guess that I work well under pressure. I don’t break easy. I may vent but I get it done and usually with time to spare. As a writer (this works with deadlines, LOL…I see it as a personal challenge with my editors. I knock my edits out as quickly as possible.

Is there a weakness you feel you are constantly having to battle as a writer? If so, what is it? And how do your strength and your weakness come into play with your writing process?

Passive writing. Now that I know what to look for, my writing has changed, but a lot still seeps through.

In 50 years, what would you say are the crucial books and/or films the future generation need to read/watch?

Crucial? Oooh…I have a wide and varied taste when it comes to personal entertainment. What I think is incredibly awesome usually makes other’s stare at me as if I’ve grown three heads. I have favorite authors. Movies I have honestly found lacking in virtually everything. Reviews for movies and books usually don’t draw me in. I read blurbs, the author’s hooks, and go from there. But basically, if a friend is wanting to read something different, I ask the genre they are interested in and then I give them an author or series that I like and tell them why. For instance, paranormal romances I would say Patricia Briggs’ Mercy Thompson novels and the Alpha and Omega novels. Lori Handeland’s The Phoenix Chronicles. Sherrilyn Kenyon’s, Dark Hunters. All pretty good series. Because of Brigg’s and Handeland, I was able to finally get up the nerve to try my hand at paranormal romance.

And finally, the question that always has to come up, yes, even here: What advice would you give fellow authors and writers to help them keep going and get to where they wish to be?

Just keep trying. There will be people that will cut you down for sheer jealousies. There will be those who will lift you up…too high. You have to first and foremost, be happy with what you’ve written. Scrutinize it from every angle, BE your own worst critic and get some tough skin. It’s not easy out there. Once you have that finished product, be willing to fight for it and see it through to the end. Find a good support system. I have a handful of people that keep me sane (not really, just out of the looney bin…for the most part.) They give me the right distractions when I need it and the place to vent and the shoulder to lean on when I need it most. That is the key.

And just for fun:
* Favorite Food Favorite? 
I love food in general. I love Italian. I love Chinese. I love FOOD.

* Soda or Pop?
 It’s soda for me, born and bred in the south-eastern US.

* Favorite Cartoon 
Just one? Uhm…Tiny Toons no wait Animaniacs…OOOH RUG RATS! Rocko’s Modern Life! Rocket Power! 90’s cartoons were just awesome!

* Favorite Movie 
Star Sandra Bullock, she’s versatile and most of all, hilarious!

* The one word you know is wrong but you love anyway
 ...it’s not polite to use it in general but I often let the F-bomb drop in leisurely company...I call it a win if I can go to one of my kid’s school functions and NOT use it in casual conversation.

* And favorite pick-up line a hero should never use 
Heh…I’m a corny gal. Usually the corniest line ever will win me over. Some of this makes it into a few of my leading males. Excessive spewing of word vomit being one of my favorite traits of the hero in book four. But in my opinion, I’ve read some stuff recently that if I was ever spoken to in that way, he’d be missing a few teeth and possibly his tongue. I don’t like the overly vulgar Alpha male, right off the bat. First impressions are HUGE. Admittedly, I have put books down for that very reason.

Thank you Mel for taking the time to chat with me. For those of you who haven't checked out this great author and her books-- Here's some tib-bits to give a taste of the wonderful world of the Sanctuary Series.


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Walker's Run, A Sanctuary Novel, Book One Blurb:

Was a life dealing with the pressure of photographing an A-List crowd really what she wanted to be known for? Casey Maynard decided a trip home was called for: a camping trip into the wilds of North Western Montana. But Casey finds herself in the middle of a twenty year vendetta against her father for killing the Alpha of a pack of werewolves who hold a Sanctuary deep in the mountains of the Cabinets. In a battle for her life, Casey falls for the new Alpha of the pack while he shows her how to handle and communicate with her own wolf. Upon discovering the wolf spirit who chose her was the Mother of all Weres… more treachery thrives. Finding love and true bonds that know no bounds, her life is turned upside down. From a deep family secret to a two thousand year old murder, will Casey’s link with the Silver Wolf be enough to save them all?

US: www.amazon.com/dp/B00EVI6M86
UK: www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00EVI6M86
CA: www.amazon.ca/dp/B00EVI6M86

B&N: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/walkers-run-mel-favreaux/1116803377?ean=2940148630784

Direct from publisher: https://museituppublishing.com/bookstore/index.php/coming-soon/walker-s-run-detail

Shadow Walker, A Sanctuary Novel, Book II Blurb:

Being the only were-tiger in a predominantly werewolf sanctuary wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, but Amber Vaughn was glad to be able to rest easy. Emotionally and physically scarred from a traumatic childhood, her close relationship with the Alpha male and the incomparable bond she shares with his new mate, Casey, were unique. In five years, she’d gone from beat-down oppression to Braedyn Walker’s second in command. While not ruthless, her strength and speed had served their community well. Coming to terms with years of emotional turmoil, she found love, something she’d never considered possible, in the arms of a Guardian, Dean Maynard, Casey’s brother. An officer who polices supernatural, paranormal, and preternatural beings, his job was to protect the world from beings like her. A relationship between a human and a Were could work, even when not designed by the fates. Dean is attacked by a werewolf, and ready or not, Amber’s newfound love is yanked from her grasp. There is no way the fates would condone a union between a tiger and a wolf. Conflicted between her love, honor, and duty, does Amber have what it takes to handle the emotional turmoil or will she shut down again?

Publisher's Link for pre-order:

https://museituppublishing.com/bookstore/index.php/coming-soon/pre-order-specials/shadow-walker-detail

Barnes & Noble link for pre-order:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/shadow-walker-mel-favreaux/1118662726

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AUTHOR'S CONTACT AND LINKS:

acebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mel-Favreaux-Author/160256148015

Amazon Author Page: http://www.amazon.com/Mel-Favreaux/e/B00EC03S7G/

Blogger: http://melfavreaux.blogspot.com/

Walker's Run Webpage: http://walkersrun.wix.com/walkersrun

Twitter: @melfavreaux

Author page at publishing home: https://museituppublishing.com/bookstore/index.php/our-authors/56-our-authors/authors-f/301-mel-favreaux

Street Ivy

*This is based on a real person I met decades ago on the streets of Houston, Texas. The imagery and what little I learned has stayed with me since. Enjoy*

They called her Ivy. No one knew her real name, for the elderly, tiny, silver-haired woman rarely spoke.

But she always smiled. It was a joy-filled, toothless smile that brightened her always shining eyes in a wrinkled and aged face.

Ivy lived on the streets and was known as a cart keeper. Everything she owned packed in a worn, rusted shopping buggy with duct tape wrapped around the busted handle. The wheels were squeaky and one would perpetually spin to never help the other three carry the load. But Ivy was proud of her cart of "treasures".

Not a day went by that Ivy did not share the wealth of foraging for the most meager of items. Stale bread was broke with others without a meal that day. Sticky tossed candy handed out to the street children. A holey jacket plucked from the trash to someone shivering in the chill of night.

To Ivy, a treasure was never more valuable until it was given to someone who needed it more than you. So usually, by the time night fell, those three wheels with the rebellious fourth had very little to bear.

There was only one thing that Ivy never completely gave away from her cart.

It sat on the seat where normally a child would perch.

A potted Ivy. The plant sat in a cracked clay pot. The paint long gone and duct tape found there as well to prevent a crack from becoming worse. The plant had taken over the whole space atop the cart; its long vines twisted around the rusted bars, trailing down to the ground.

Ivy loved this plant. Every day she made sure it had time in the sun as she sat on a bench and told it stories and shared her secrets whispered with it. She made sure it received the cleanest water she could find. Sometimes dripped from the fountain through her arthritic grungy hands; her fingers, though shaky, bathing each leaf. At night, as Ivy sought out some place safe to sleep on the streets, she always made sure to keep her plant safe from frost while she curled up under an old, threadbare moving blanket exposed to all.

None us of us knew why Ivy loved this plant so. Just that when any of us shared news of a long needed job being obtained, or the news of getting even a simple room, a rat infested apartment (all huge steps up from living on the streets), Ivy would tenderly, carefully snap off a small piece of that precious plant and with that smile of an angel, press the piece in your hand, pat with her own and give you something to grow in your new home. And then shuffle away without a word.

I am proud to say that one day I was blessed with a piece of Ivy's love after living for over a two months that time in a car, stomach large with my first child. When Ivy pressed that sprig of ivy into my hand, the tears that sprung in my eyes were both joyous and humble at such a simple gift. I remembered how frail Ivy's hands felt in mine. And how warm and tender both her eyes and touch were. Even though her fingers shook, the strength of that woman's soul was rock steady.

Years went by and I eventually became a volunteer for a street feed team with a local church. I once again found myself in the part of town which I used to haunt as an invisible person. Very few of the faces were the same. The homeless are a sorrowful gypsies as well as tragic ladden by death, violence and illness.

But as I handed out blankets, sandwiches and other donated goods, I noticed something that once again brought tears to my eyes and reminded me to never forget...a treasure is never more cherished until it is given away.

Ivys grew in the strangest places. In window sills of the slum buildings.In old coffee cans and busted buckets. In carefully loved boxes...even an old boot.

I would find out that Ivy had passed away less than 6 months after I had left the streets that fall. The people of the streets wanted that beautiful soul...the same soul Ivy had poured into that plant...to live forever where that smile brightened up all their lives. So they had carefully taken a piece of her beloved ivy when the morgue had taken her body as she died sitting in the sun. No doubt whispering tales of her past to her leafy companion.The authorities had left her cart with her plant behind.

All that now fostered Street Ivy's plant's descendants carried on the tradition Ivy started and would giveaway a sprig when good luck blessed some.

Street Ivy would always live on in the hearts of those whose lives she touched.

And so would the hope she always gave with a smile.

I Really Don't Have Time For This

Wow, what a weekend. My energy level is pissing me off. Sorry..but when you're used to going 110% 20 hours a day--being tired and weak sucks. It's not sitting well with me..but it is what it is. It's "grrrr" when grocery shopping makes me want to faceplant in the produce section.

Book News: I am still working on Love's Bitter Harvest and HOPE to hit our April deadline for publication. Cross your fingers toes and other crossable parts that I hit that.

Some of you have asked about pre-sales, but I have asked DBP to hold off on that pending my being more sure of my completion date. Needless to say I just DO NOT have time for all these health issues. :)

Yes yes, I know. Take care of me. But writing is a HUGE outlet and really helps me deal with this and all other aspects of working full time, helping out family and writing as much as possible. I THINK there's time in there for me somewhere.

Until then..I will do better at updating my blog (I tell myself that ALL the time) and you guys should kick me when I don't.

As always, thanks for all your good wishes, hugs and prayers in my inbox. It is greatly appreciate and means a ton.

BUT...this is just another thing. Notch it up to being life.

Take care. 

The Big C Word

There are billions of words in the English language and as a writer, I know dozens that can strike fear, chills and panic to a reader.

But I think the scariest word that all persons avoid saying--including doctors--is cancer.

As some of you know, the past week has been a blur of lab tests, scans, ultrasounds and other fun on me. Three masses were found in my breast, thyroid/throat and lung. The mass in my lung has been there for years and has been monitored since.

Well...today I had the meeting to learn the results of all the tests.

The good news is my breast is not of concern. However, my thyroid and lung are not good news. Due to lab work, levels and scans...

That scariest word was said--Cancer. It cannot be ruled out and all early indicators (masses have grown and I am severely anemic as well as other clues) now move me into the next steps.

I have been referred to the necesscary specialists to set up biopsies to determine "without-a-doubt" diagnosis. Then treatment plans will be discussed.

What will I do once and if cancer is confirmed?

To be honest?

Im not sure. It would depend on type and stage . On quality vs quantity. Prolong or recovery.

Yes...Im still being positive. But Im a realist and I feel empowered when I have a say so and a plan. I made this very clear to my doctors as well. I will...question..everything. And then decide.

Its how I fight. And its what I do.

Take care.

All About the Ifs

PERSONAL POST-

So...what a whirlwind of days. It all started with my going for a long-overdue wellness check/physical. I will admit it has been far too long since I had seen a doctor. I have a list of excuses (note excuses dear reader- not reasons):

1. Lack of time and not making it a priority. Highly stupid excuse due to the fact it only takes a phone call and 1-2 hours of my time. Usher in excuse #2.

2. No health insurance so didnt think I had any options. Yeah...as with many Americans I was without health insurance for almost 2yrs. Face it...medical care is EXPENSIVE...crazy insane so. But there are options. However, being between lower income brackets where such options are available and middle income where I make too much to utilize...my options were basically pay out-of-pocket.

See CRAZY EXPENSIVE above. I just didnt want to spend a chunk of my paycheck to have tests and such done. $115 for office visit? Not to mention tests, labs, RX? Yeah..that whole electricity, food and gas need came first. Jump to excuse #3.

3. I hate, hate, hate going to the dr. Whether it be for mental or physical I hate it. I have a complex history in both areas. But since my wonderful long-term doctor in Kentucky is well...in Kentucky and I now live in Texas, the thought of seeking a new primary care physician to have to "get to know and trust" was more daunting than proposing marriage to that cute girl in the check-out line. I would opt for that before wooing a new doctor who would undoubtingly look at my medical and history and go...hmmm. Toss in the scars and mental issues...yeah...wouldnt even have to know cute chick's name...I'd so be hitched and hope her grocery list was compatable with mine. A fear of a new DR is very real to me. To the point of anxiety attack. But still..not even trying...lame and cowardly. But not as cowardly as excuse #4...

4. I knew I needed to go. See..I've had issues in the past. One is a mass in my lung myself and kids have named Bob. It rests snuggly on the top lobe of my right lung. It causes me some pain if I cough...but otherwise behaves itself. It was benign and was monitored every few months since found during a routine well check about 6 yrs ago. It's discovery led to mulltiple biospie and scans. All negative. I went thru exhausting rounds of testing from cancer to Bird flu. Nothing came back positive. Bob...was just Bob. And I came to terms that Bob was just..well...there. But I became lapse in having Bob monitored. See excuse #2 however in having a role in this excuse.

Now how does all this come into play? I now have health insurance. I asked around and found a wonderful, blunt and understanding physician. His practice is a full sevices facility-- which means full lab, MRI, CAT and the works all within his office. So no dealing with multiple "wooing" of different staff.

When discussing my history, Dr. P handled it well. He didn't coddle (which pisses me off--pity is a trigger for me) and listened. He then proceeded a full spectrum of tests and labs so we would know what we were dealing with.

And boy...he might be regretting that decision.

I have three masses. A new one all snuggled up to Bob (calling it Jr) as well as Bob's new nearby friends-- Steve which is a mass on my throat/thyroid and Frank who is a boob kinda guy on the left side.

So now my schedule is a flurry of tests, scans and biopsies being scheduled. It's all happening rather quickly and I am blessed to have an understanding employer.

And health insurance.

Am I worried? Of course. Am I trying to be positive? Absolutely. But I'm a realist. I've caught cancer early before and was very lucky to do so. But...these were not caught early. Whether they be benign or malignant, they most likely have been setting up shop for awhile. So much so that my thyroid has all but shut down. Guess those periods of fatigue and exhaustion shouldnt have been excused either...

So now I get to run the gambit of health and the various factors that may or may not rob it from me. But those factors arent the sole players in all this. No...I more than let them in to have free range and claim. Albeit I have never smoked (cancer is very prominate in my genetic history) and for years have eaten healthy and strove to take care of myself.

But bodies don't come with what I call idiot lights (check engine, low oil...) like a Chevy. And I felt on the whole pretty good. And if it doesnt feel broke......

I don't care what anyones political beliefs are. I do not want to get in a heated debate or angry tirade about the status of healthcare in America. It was and is ....broken. When its citizens can't afford to get basic care or have access to obtain such, its a real issue.

I am one of those middle-class citizens that made too much for any gov't funded healthcare and made too little to afford to pay for it myself. So those such as me simply pray we don't get sick...hope we don't break something. And make excuses when evidence shows us that is no way to live. Its a harsh gamble that may cost one to lose a part of why its wonderful to be alive....

To be happy
To be loved
To be healthy and well

They all play into each other. Regardless of gender, race or income. But healthcare has truly become a "those who have and those who have not".

Say what you will about Universal healthcare, Obamacare, Medicaid or Medicare....I don't even pretend to support or disapprove any of them. Call me a lazy american...or just one that is sick and tired of the debate of it all. Something HAD TO BE done. Only time will tell if it helped. But people must MUST realize how precious their health is...and have a way to keep it that way.

All I do know is this: All humans have the right to be healthy. To have access to medical care. To not have to decide whether to feed their family or go have that symptom checked out. To risk not getting an annual checkup because their car broke down and they feel just fine.

Or....

To now feel like a long ticking time bomb and never knowing the fuse had been lit silently for so long. And...wondering if its now its too late to defuse.

For thats how I feel. I can state without a single doubt that if I had access to healthcare to monitor and maintain...I would have taken whatever steps I needed to do so. And perhaps Bob wouldnt have new buddies and I wouldnt have this gnawing, gut-wrenching fear that its too late and my excuses won.

Again...Im not giving in. Nor am I giving up. I'm fully aware that these new "residents" may be harmless and no cause for concern.

But I am fairly intelligent and therefore while I may view this in a fighting mentality with my mental fists raised to spar...I also know the opponent may be bigger and badder than we know at this point. And I allowed it to be so. With excuses...

I just wish I had known to suit up for the fight sooner.