To Give It Up (Writing)

I admit...in the last few weeks I have given very real thought to giving up writing. It had very little to do with my new career which more than pays my bills. Nor to do with stress or lack of motivation and inspiration. I always find motivation and inspiration.

My books do well. My fans are the best. I've been lucky to never have less than a 4-star review and the rest are 5. And all love my books.

The literary world has been kind to me in the form of wonderful peers and bloggers as well as others in the industry. So...now that I've made that clear (and you know this isn't a woe is me, pity me post...read on. I know you were worried there. :) )

No...the crux of my mental meanderings was this:  In a sea of freebies, 99 cent books and never ending TBR's I was asking myself what's the point?

I have been called many things, and I don't know, maybe they are all true: book snob,  egotistical author, asshole, judgmental, holier than us, no talent, puppeteer of people...insert more words here. Yeah. Some of that hurt. Others...well...you don't know me at ALL so it didn't even tickle.

No. It was because I just can't do the whole freebie, cheap book thing unless its a special deal, or limited time as a reward. Add to my book being stolen and given out to dozens and dozens of people either by blogs or people (I'm told this is a positive thing--helping to get my name/books out there..uh...no) its just frustrating.

Sure...who doesn't want to be known for their talent? Known as an author of worth who writes well, constantly strives to become better and makes sure to put out  books (full-length, fully edited, original covers...books) and price them the average price worthy of all the hard work I've put into them.

Sure...I won't lie. I'd love to make lots of money for my writing, pack signings. And any author who says they don't care or want those things are lying--we love to write, sure. But we like to eat and see all that hard work pay off too. None of my books, are priced ridiculously...$2.99- $4.99.

But it goes so far and beyond getting known...

It goes deep to the core of valuing my work. My characters. Are they worth free? Less than a dollar? Hell no. To me they are priceless in the value they give me in creating them. They make me feel like a million when someone loved them too. When a reader says they cried, ranted, screamed as they read the pages.

I just can't toss all that effort out to be consumed cheap just to "get my name out there". Because chances are my pricing my books as free or $.99 is not going to get my name " known". Its like saying somehow my name will float to the top of the ocean of names that penny-ed their books or wash up on the shore of a TBR beach. Its literary bingo with a million of numbered balls and even more of those stupid cards that never match.

I don't want to be known as that type of author. I'm sorry...call me a snob. Call me delusional or naive. But one thing you can't say is my books aren't good. You can't say I don't believe in them by investing not only money but time on them because I don't cheapen them...in any aspect.

What's the point, you ask?

Its this: if all the readers care about is cheap and free, what is the point in trying to produce a quality novel? Why stay up nights...days on end in creating characters, worlds and stories if I am just going to invest and get zero return? Whether it be a royalty or a review? Why would I price that creation cheaper than the worse burger at the cheapest junk food place? Or free... No. There was no point so why keep trying? I couldn't find one. And it broke my heart.

I don't solely blame readers. I don't place all the guilt upon digital formats or Amazon. I don't even toss that big of a hunk of accusation at my fellow authors. I think its a combo of all...and we all shall stumble with the burden and cost eventually.

So, I consoled myself in the fact that all that time and energy I was now using for writing, I could now use to HOPEFULLY be a positive energy in a venom filled indie publishing world. I'm mentoring two promising authors and DBP has so much potential to be that creative home that authors need--there would be plenty to take up the slack I would have in giving up writing my own works. I could work closely with struggling writers and maybe help them in that struggle with what I've learned. It makes me so sad to see our writing community turning on its residents so brutally. Something has to change. Its a dark, vicious world for authors if they aren't "big"... But well knowns aren't immune either. The literary world is in a fiery tailspin. It will hit and crash...soon.

But could I do that to my wonderful fans? Some of which have become my friends and best supporters? Well, I was writing and putting it out there long before I published my first book with my name on it via social media and other avenues--I could still give them things to read " The Ward Way". They, most of all, would understand.

It's a huge decision. Big for me considering writing is my therapy. It kept me up and it made me ill in even thinking of making that choice.

So here's what I did...

I sat down. I picked up some books. I shut away the world over the weekend and I read. I let myself get lost in the worlds and listened to the characters voices as they told me their stories. I laughed and cried. I ranted and yelled. It was a real touch base as to why I do this.

Or would I be saying "did that".

So...guess you're wondering what the verdict is huh?

Now I could do the trend of a badly flowed cliff-hanger to get you to buy in to what happened next, but I'm not that kind of writer either. ;)

I can't give it up. Spending that reading sabbatical made me realize my writing books is as much a part of my soul as all other aspects of my life--my family, children, pets. And just like them...my life is so much richer with the existence and would mourn most of my days without.

But...I still won't toss my books into the cheap freebie bin just to " get attention ". No...they shall be valued what they are worth and will get highlight by being the best book I could place in front of a reader. And know that reader believed in it and me by purchasing it. I will get known one reader...one quality book at a time. My books...its characters don't mind. As long as I make sure to care and give them " life ".

In fact...I might go completely old school and e-books will not be my standard platform, but secondary. But that's a subject that will be babbled about when the time comes.

Oh...and before I forget. Would you like to know which books saved the part of my soul where author me clings?

My own.

Take care and happy writing.

-JTW

Universal Texas Speak aka BULLSHIT

Now, before I even go into this “ton-o-words” post, let me make one thing very clear.

There is nothing in the world that applies to all persons that are upon it. No fact, no reasoning nor subject that can be fed to every single individual who might digest, graze or consume what is said and be considered a nice filling snack.

It will most likely give many of you a case of the bubble guts.

What does all that mean you ask? (I heard recently that Texas speak is a very rigorous one to learn and use…hah. Silly people.)  Basically—this is not directed at any one person or entity. It may not apply to you, some of you or hell, all of you. It may or may not piss you off. It may or may not hurt feelings.

Or it may or may not change one damn thing. But here it goes… (by the way, before you judgers, and you know who you are, say it’s just another bitter author who is upset that their books aren’t doing well...wrong. My books/sales do fine and I have not a single complaint about that—hence not a single damn sales link in this post).

Selfishness and Pity

I’ve been in this writing biz for decades, in one form or the other. But I have never been witness to the current downward spiral into self-centered and serving mentality as I have for the last year or so. When did we, as authors, become so focused on getting one more penny or dollar than one of our peers that we resort to negative reviews, bashing, gang attitude street teams and the saddest part of all…

The complete lack of support and encouragement to other authors?  Heaven help us if one of us becomes successful and we helped that happen. What would the world come to? (That’s sarcasm for those that don’t know me.)

I remember the days when we were all thrilled when one of our fellow writers were able to give birth to a new “book baby”, or were featured on a blog post or hell, anything. I remember when one of us had a way to spotlight, feature or focus on another, people jumped on that. Get the word out—in a good way.

Now, you have where if someone gets bashed, negative reviews THAT gets more attention than someone having a positive event happening. And even worse—when one of us has an opportunity to give an avenue to promo or support others, no one responds. Are we THAT paranoid that we are isolating ourselves in hopes that we won’t become fodder in some possible scenario that MIGHT turn bad. Or we are afraid that the person offering has some hidden agenda and might cause us harm? Whether they actually have done so to anyone in the past.

Bullshit (Universal Texas speak).

Sure, that happens. Face it—life is life. Good, bad and the in between. There are good people, there are bad people and then there are those you just can’t tell. Trust me, I know all about that.

But isn’t just PUTTING a book out there for others to read and critique conquering a huge hunk of fear? Yeah…believe me it is. So, as an author you’ve already jumped the biggest bump in the scary road—why would you then be so closed off to helping not only yourself but others?

I know—in the world of free books, $.99 books and books that barely equal the page count of a bad travel brochure, the publishing world is in a tailspin of quality and the readers are aware of it.  No one trusts reviews and some blogs are nothing more than a popularity contest or just a way for free books. When readers see authors bashing each other, street teams ganging up to discredit an author so maybe they can hurt sales, our readers are losing faith faster than the elastic in a cheap pair of pants 2 sizes too small lasts. We ask ourselves every day how we can make our mark and get notice.

Folks—negativity is NOT the way to do it. (The fact I have to say that is frustrating in itself since most all the authors I know are older than 18.) Sure, you can whine and say that people were mean to you, that you were attacked and people may do some sympathy purchases of your book. A sale is a sale, right?

You can cry and say that negative reviews are LIES and your book is the best ever, so if you got a negative review it can’t be sincere. Because no way would anyone NOT like your book. It’s like (insert mocking tone here) the bestest ever! Its Amazballs (or whatever 12 year old saying you would like to use).

Oh good god…no. Please…don’t.

I can honestly BET that no bestselling author ever hit the lists having “pity” sales.  And I can also pretty much promise that not every reader is going to like your book. I can also solidly confirm that most pity sales or pity reviews are just that…

Pitiful.

Where did all this come from, you ask?

I’m so glad you asked.

My publisher as well as I have offered several avenues for spotlights, highlights, promo and publication. We’ve tried doing author spotlights and so few responded (we’ve done NY Times Best Selling authors as well as indies) so we stopped that.

We’ve offered Positive Post days where all you have to do is say something that is RIGHT about the publishing world and NOT A SINGLE PERSON RESPONDED.  And say what you will about FB views, etc.—when you blast it across 4-5 profiles as well as Twitter etc. and you see 100+ views—among those fellow authors—you know it’s just a lack of trust, fear or whatever, not a “no one saw it” issue.

HELLO? We want to HELP promote you. To give you a chance to maybe find one real, genuine reader that may find your book the one they need that day. For the readers to see that there are some GOOD authors out there. That there are POSITIVE ways to find a good book or read. That they CAN TRUST that it’s not a trick or a way to bash another.

Most recently, we decided to get an anthology out there for suicide awareness. My anthology in the past did fairly well and I really wanted to give something back. So, we did an open call for authors to submit stories, art and poetry for another anthology—this time the proceeds going to Suicide Prevention organizations. The parameters were easy and we left it so open to be creative as long as hope was the thread of all the stories. It was open as far as genre as well. It would be NO cost to the authors. They would be featured as much as everyone else was—completely equal. The anthology would be put in for book signing in their area as well as professionally edited and printed at no cost to the author. AND it would be sent through DBP’s 30,000 retailer distribution list. And we would give the authors copies—AT NO COST—for being a part. AND any additional copies they could order at COST (the same price DBP has to pay) rather than through a retail outlet like Amazon, etc. Sounds amazing right?

Help out a good cause…

Get your work and name out there…

State you were TRADITIONALLY PUBLISHED…

Maybe hit the best seller list via wide 30,000 RETAILERS distribution…

Be put in front of brick & mortar retailer sales teams for shelf placement…

Be included in all promos and book signings…

AT NO COST TO THE AUTHOR, POET OR ARTIST.

Guess…can you guess how many inquired or submitted to be involved?

TWO

Seriously people?

Have we become that self-centered and only think of ourselves? Are we all cowering in our writers “caves” trying to pimp ourselves out or find ways to “market” in a market that is so flooded that even the readers are afraid to dive in and figure out what floats and what doesn’t?

I always told myself I was going to write and do my best, no matter what—and that will never change. But my quest to be positive and encouraging to others is difficult when I see how others around me behave. I have always prided myself on helping anyone that needed it—no matter my time restraints of having a pressured 9-5 job, a complicated personal life and writing. Add to that being a part of DBP’s management? Yeah…

It would be really easy for me to say screw you all—I’m going to worry just about myself and mine and the rest of you do the same. I mean, my books do well, I have a great fan base and critical acclaim.

I could be like so many others out there….I DON’T NEED ANY OF YOU, IT’S ALL ABOUT ME! I HOPE YOU ALL FAIL…as I smile and play nice to your faces.

I HATE even thinking that way. I really do. It actually causes a twist in my gut at the thought of becoming “one of those” people. But my gut is twisting regardless in the behavior and lack-of-care that I am seeing all around me.

It truly makes me want to just give up. Not give up writing—nah, I need that as much as I need to breathe. It’s my outlet and my therapy. But it does make me want to change how I get my works out there. With blogs taking their free review copy and never giving a review OR giving it away to dozens in giveaways without my permission to people “helping” by sharing my book via file transferring and not being aware of that being pirating, it’s incredibly frustrating.

IF I wanted my book given away for FREE—hello, I would do that. But I don’t. Nor do I price my books (and they are ACTUAL BOOKS with more than 300 pages, professionally edited with original covers) for $.99 unless it’s a special event, because to be honest? I worked on a book for six months to a year and nothing in the process was free either in time or cost, so my works are worth more than $.99 and I think the reader both understands and respects that. Luckily, my publisher does too. I VALUE my books and all the hard work I’ve put in them, so they are priced accordingly. Sure, I could do the whole freebie or $.99 all the time…but it would have made my book and effort and well, talent, worth so much less than it merits.

Nor do I believe in the other practice—put an ebook at a high price to get the most money from friends and family that are going to buy it for no other reason than… well…they are friends and family, knowing once that pool of purchases has gone dry, the book won’t have sales. AND IT DISGUSTS ME THAT SO MANY EBOOK PUBLISHERS ARE DOING THAT TO NAÏVE, NEW AUTHORS…they should be ashamed in using the “pyramid scheme” of marketing with books. And they’ll do it for just about any book where they can make a quick dime—where they use AMAZON for sales. THEN, and only THEN, if they get their bucks back, they’ll release the work as print…USING CREATESPACE?? Hello…why EXACTLY is the author giving you all the profit if you’re doing what they could have done themselves?? It’s downright shameful.

Oh and let’s not forget incentive based reviews. I WILL never partake in that process—either like/love my book or hate it. Just be sincere and honest about it. I’ll take it...hell, I’ll appreciate it. But don’t tell me that if I give you a gift card or offer you some cash you can “review my book” favorably. (See word that means BS above)

And blogs? I love bloggers. The good ones. And trust me, there are a few decent, ethical ones out there. But there are A LOT more that are out to scam not only authors but readers with various tours and “packages”. Young writer beware—blogs can mean bog as in sucking you under and never letting you see the positive light of it all. Not to mention just taking advantage of an author who is desperately trying to find “what works”. Too many don’t work—they don’t work for you, they don’t work with you and they just don’t work. Stick with bloggers you trust. Bigger? Doesn’t ALWAYS mean better (yeah, yeah, Texas—everything is bigger. That’s not true either—sorry, thought we needed some Texas speak, and it had been awhile).

And guess what? Books I put out a year ago are still getting sales. One hit the bestsellers list for top ten on Amazon for almost a week and that was because quality is quality.

Without negative bashing. Without pitiful “buy my book please” posts. Without my going out and telling someone to buy my book and not this person’s book. Without spamming a hundred groups where authors are just trying to sell to other authors selling (that…is just ridiculous).

Maybe I’m old school. Maybe I just don’t understand the current publishing world (maybe I really DON’T WANT TO) and the negative and selfish attitude of authors is just the way it is.  I don’t know…and I’m really sick and tired of trying to figure it out.  I just want to write and I just want you guys to enjoy the ride in reading it.

So, as I work on my books I have several trains of thoughts and one of those is just releasing print only versions of my books. My limited autograph copies always do very well (pays for the cost of printing, editing, etc. in 48 hours alone) so I know my readers love the printed copies. I might then release an ecopy later and Amazon ranking and reviews be damned (I’m not sure how much faith I have in that either since I can pay someone $50-$200 bucks to get me 100-500 reviews...and trust me…A LOT of authors go that route. Label more shame on this too).

Like I said up there—I am old school. So I am starting to think promo via old school methods are best since so little faith and trust is put in the “new school” ways.

Until then…if you truly are a good, positive author who cares about not only your books and readers but OTHERS…contact me. Please help restore some of my wavering faith in this wonderful world of literary endeavors and publishing…

Please…

MAYBE THAT, will get more than TWO people that give a damn. 

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Luck is Bad and Good

 Okay, I get it. We've all been there. We're in a store or a parking lot and we see some money laying loose on the floor or ground. Hey, our lucky day right?

Perhaps, but its someone else's unlucky day. That bill you just picked up? May have been the only money the person who undoubtedly dropped accidentally had. They may have walked through the store in a sweat, calculating in their head how they could get the most groceries (not snacks, not junk--but actual FOOD) for that money you now considered yourself lucky to find. How that person paused to count and add the tally one last time before heading to the cashier, praying they didn't count wrong and be embarrassed by not only the meagerly desperate purchases, but being shamed to not being able to buy the sad collection of goods that would keep them from going hungry for as long as possible...

because that money you're now using to buy cookies, candy or soda because it was found money?

Was all the money they had. 

If you've never been there, trust me, you don't want to be. I have. And now that I have found myself without employment and only holding on to hopes of another one to happen ASAP because my funds are pretty much done, I am there once again. 

I'm lucky in the fact I have just me. And a dog and cat. So it doesn't take much to get us by. But I've also been that single parent, with three screaming, hungry kids who didn't know where the meals for the next week would come from until HOPEFULLY some money came through too. To tell your child a dozen times NO to something they really wanted from the shelves of sticky, sweet goodness as you try to make one bag of beans and one bag of rice equal 2 or 3 meals. I've been that person that sat and cried in a car that was out of gas that you hoped would have lasted just a few more days and three children are hot and tired, just wanting to go home. I've also sat through long ice-filled cold winter days with no wood for the fire or electric in my house and no money to get either one. Curled up under a blanket and telling myself--just have to make it a few days, it can't stay this bad, that long. 

On the flip side--I've also been the one that offered to pay for someone who didn't have the money or enough to pay what they quite apparently needed to get with their children looking at the boxes of mac n'cheese and the cans of beans like it was gold, because they were hungry. I've pulled over and given rides as well as changed tires for those that needed it on the side of the road, turning down the held out money in exchange for my kindness.

I have always believed--you get what you give. And always will.

But today--I was an out of work author, who was counting my pennies to just get a few things at the store and making my meager saving last as long as it could until my next 9-5 job came along. (Funny, being a popular author with a fan base doesn't get you free food....:) ) I was the one that got to the check out only to realize the bills I brought in with me had somehow escaped my pocket. Chances are it happened when I frantically pulled my phone out of my pocket in hopes it was a job calling only to find out it was a bill collector. 

Sure I looked all over the store and of course I checked at the office to see if anyone had turned in the money. The lady behind the window laughed and told me that she had worked there for 7 years and not once had anyone turned in cash they had found. 

A bit of faith in humanity...lost. 

What's the point you ask? Not really sure. But just remember, when you think you've had a streak of good luck? Consider what bad luck you may have created for someone else.

Wouldn't the world be a great thing if we would call the kindness and honesty of strangers as faith...and we wouldn't have to count so much on luck.

Because luck swings both ways.

Take care and be good to someone who just might need it. 

Prologue: First Three Chapters

There comes a time when you realize that the past is never behind you. No--it impacts every single aspect of your present and your future. You fight against it, you give into it, you try your best to not let it be who you are but that's all well, for lack of a better way to sum it up--bullshit. 

Your past is as much of who and what you are as your genetics. No flowery sayings, no text book shrink babble is going to make it any more pretty  or pleasant to realize. You are what you are made of. Blood, bone, water and memories. Whether it be a memory of learning how to walk, remembering what letter spells what words or what you have done and where you have been, you cannot change that.

So, as I look back at my life I often wonder if I could have done different. Could I have changed this person who should have loved me, who didn't. Could I have made this person that was hurting me not do the damage? What good would that do me? 

Nothing. 

But the pain and the past have value. They make scars on our souls that are the pathways of becoming more. They make a foundation that can either be built on to make one stronger or it can be left to crack, crumble and be covered with weeds of compliance. 

I've never liked weeds. They take the good from the soil of our humanity and they steal the light from that in our life which needs it. 

So, here is my foundation--bare and ready to build. I invite you to join me on the journey.  A bit of watching the walls as they are built to protect the precious, wounded and fragile person behind them. The damage is already done with a painful childhood and there is no need to go back. So, dear reader--if you came here to read that, sorry. Trust me, I didn't want to share it despite how much anyone may want to find out. It's done and it's over. 

But, I am going to share with you all that has made me beyond that with learning that love is as much of a blessing as it is a curse. It can destroy you and it can save you--and at times, both at the same time. 

This is based on a true life with enough fiction included to prevent from completely reopening scars long healed, or at least so it appears on the surface. Those who know me and matter will know the real from the fantasy. The raw from the gloss. And those who know but don't care--take from it what you will. You know who you are...

And what part you played. 

Poetry - Song Bird