There comes a time when you realize that the past is never behind you. No--it impacts every single aspect of your present and your future. You fight against it, you give into it, you try your best to not let it be who you are but that's all well, for lack of a better way to sum it up--bullshit.
Your past is as much of who and what you are as your genetics. No flowery sayings, no text book shrink babble is going to make it any more pretty or pleasant to realize. You are what you are made of. Blood, bone, water and memories. Whether it be a memory of learning how to walk, remembering what letter spells what words or what you have done and where you have been, you cannot change that.
So, as I look back at my life I often wonder if I could have done different. Could I have changed this person who should have loved me, who didn't. Could I have made this person that was hurting me not do the damage? What good would that do me?
But the pain and the past have value. They make scars on our souls that are the pathways of becoming more. They make a foundation that can either be built on to make one stronger or it can be left to crack, crumble and be covered with weeds of compliance.
I've never liked weeds. They take the good from the soil of our humanity and they steal the light from that in our life which needs it.
So, here is my foundation--bare and ready to build. I invite you to join me on the journey. A bit of watching the walls as they are built to protect the precious, wounded and fragile person behind them. The damage is already done with a painful childhood and there is no need to go back. So, dear reader--if you came here to read that, sorry. Trust me, I didn't want to share it despite how much anyone may want to find out. It's done and it's over.
But, I am going to share with you all that has made me beyond that with learning that love is as much of a blessing as it is a curse. It can destroy you and it can save you--and at times, both at the same time.
This is based on a true life with enough fiction included to prevent from completely reopening scars long healed, or at least so it appears on the surface. Those who know me and matter will know the real from the fantasy. The raw from the gloss. And those who know but don't care--take from it what you will. You know who you are...
And what part you played.